Whod you bang
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
