some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
