I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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