You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
