Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
