If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
