How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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