Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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