and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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