I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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