24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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