My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
