Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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