yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
