just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
