You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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