The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
