youre lurking in front of me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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