Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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