I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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