Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
