I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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