Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
