Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
