so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
