I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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