Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
