He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
