I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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