i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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