How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
