he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
