She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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