God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
