I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
