Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
