dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
