i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
