I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
