Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
