dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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