tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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