I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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