I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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