Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
two words...techno handjob
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
