I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
