Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
