It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
