We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
