Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
