The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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