i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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