Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
