you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
