Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
