sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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