When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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