I think my vagina is haunted
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
