I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
