If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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